The OCC&T
by Kiricat
Summary: The OCC&T. The Original Character Creation & Transportation organization, where Crossovers, Larry Stus, and Mary Sues are made. And this is the story of one of it's unwitting creations in Arda! R&R, please.
1. Welcome to the OCC&T

* * *

A/N: Shall it be an ungoing fic? Or shall it not? I really don't know. Tell me if you like it. 

Disclamer: All Middle-earth and it's history and people and gods and etc belong to Tolkien, the lucky dog.

* * *

Chapter One: In Which Questions are Asked and the Secretary Deals With A Legolas Fangirl 

"Next," The lady at the desk drawled.

A teenage girl with brown hair so strait it looked like it had been ironed, gap teeth and a cowlick stepped forward excitedly. She beamed at the secretary and clapped her hands. "Okay, so how do we do this? It wasn't very clear on your brochure."

The secretary stared at her over her square-ish, sensible glasses. Oh, boy, she thought. Here's another one, and she's about as bad as they come, I'd bet.

The secretary's name was Nina, and she worked for the Inter-world OCC&T organization. (AKA the Inter-world Original Character Creation & Transportation organization.) She specialized in teenage girls from earth who wanted to turn beautiful, sassy, brave, witty, talented, spunky, and other various adjectives before going to another world to fall in love with a handsome man and save the universe. (AKA Mary-sues.) She'd about seen it all with this job, and her previous one at the Crossovers Department, and she recognized the new applicant as someone who would want to become to become one very, very hardcore Mary-sue.

"Okay, hon, let's start with the basics. What's your real name?" Nina opened a new window on her laptop and popped a piece of spearmint gum into her mouth.

"Uh… do I _have _to tell you? It, like, really sucks."

Nina rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you have to tell me. No name, no game. We have to have all the information to fill out this form or else we can't do the transformation." She gestured at her laptop, whose screen now sported a word file with loads of questions pre-written on it.

The girl sighed. "Oh, alright then. It's Maude Ingrid Livingston. I hate it. I mean, like, _Maude_ and _Ingrid_? Come, _on_."

"Ingrid isn't that bad of a name. Rather pretty, actually." Said Nina distractedly, typing away with her perfectly manicured fingers. (Being around Sues all the time hadn't cured her of her inherent need-to-be-classy gene.)

"Nuh-uh," said Maude Ingrid Livingston in disgust.

"Yeah-huh," Nina countered.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah-huh."

"Nuh-uh"

"Yeah-huh."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah – oh, whatever, you think what you want, Maude, honey. Moving _on_…" Nina glanced at the computer screen. "Okay, so how old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"Birthday?"

"May 3."

"Any siblings?"

"An older brother."

"D'you guys get along?"

Maude shrugged. "Sorta."

"Do you have any previous emotional scars?"

"Er... no. But can my new Sue-self have them? They're sooo romantic!"

Nina sighed. "Sure whatever you want. I personally disagree. Suicidal thoughts and abusive parents etc strike me as being just plain pitiable and wrong, not romantic. But it's your 'story'. So, let's see... where're you from?"

"Kentucky, but I wish I was from England 'cause they have such cool voices."

"I really don't care," Nina muttered. "Um… let's see… hair color: brown… skin tone: pale and rather freckly… height:… unbecomingly tall, that's what…. Um, right, how tall are you, hon?"

"I heard that," Said Maude indignantly. "And I can't help it that I'm tall and gangly and ugly!" She began to sob.

Nina rolled her eyes and put 'N.A' for height. The authorities would probably think she was a flea or something when they looked at her papers. "Okay, hon, forget height. And forget weight too, come to think of it. You probably won't like that, from the way you're carrying on."

Maude wailed.

"Listen, we're almost to the fun part," Nina said impatiently, "and I've got people waiting to be Sueified so just cooperate for a little longer, kay?"

Maude sniffed, but stopped the major dramatics.

Nina sighed. "Eyes: um… what is that, brown? Yeah, brown… Overall beauty before Sueification: erm… zilch."

Maude began to cry again.

"But you will be lovely in just a sec, here comes the fun part!" Nina said hurriedly, typing rapidly. "Okay, hon? Here it is…"

Maude didn't stop crying, but she did stop gasping for air like a dying fish.

"Right. First off, what fandom do you mean to be transported to? That is, what world?"

"Middle-earth because Elves are hot and Legolas is my soulmate." Said Maude.

Nina stared at her in disbelief for a minute. Even after so long, it was still amazing how stupid these girls could be.

"Right-o…" She finally managed, snapping back into reality. "That also answers the reason you want to go and who your specified lust-object is, I suppose?"

"Well, sorta, but I, like, want to go for another reason too," Maude said earnestly, leaning forward. "I know that I can like really help Frodo with the quest because I can tell them I'm a prophetess – because, I like know the story, right? – and save sooo many lives, and cheer up everyone with my beautiful voice, and make Leggy happy because he will love me and-"

"Okay, hon, that is _enough _info, believe me," Nina interrupted as she recorded everything on the ever-faithful laptop. "So you want to enter during the War of the Ring?"

"Duh."

Nina ignored her. "When in the War? Be specific, or I choose for you."

"Ummm…. Errrr…… I dunno…. Um….. Oh, okay! How about that part when Frodo's about to die and then Arwen comes and saves everyone's skins? I could be found in the woods when they're looking for that plant thing, and I could help them and impress them with my skills and then they'll-"

Nina rolled her eyes. It was time to really get down to business. "Okay, Maude, hon, I've got to make something clear before we actually transform you and all that jazz. Okay?"

"Er… okay."

"We are letting people from various worlds enter new ones in whatever form they like; it's our job. But here's the thing: we transform the customer, not the universe they're entering. We don't do _anything _at all to it. We can't. It just doesn't happen that way. You guys have to survive on your own. And weirdly enough some of you do. But anyways… So, hon, just want to warn you that this is the _real _Arda you're entering, and first off, Arwen did _not _rescue Frodo."

Maude blinked. "Really? Wow. I guess that's in the books right? And what's Arda?"

"Arda is Middle-earth. Man, you're going to have it rough." Nina almost pitied the Sue-to-be.

Almost.

"So I take it you haven't read any of the books, or tried to?" She continued briskly, typing away.

"Er… no. But I watched _all _the movies more than twenty times."

No wonder your brain's fried, thought Nina, but she just said, "Okay, well, that's all right. So… you will be entering the world at the Fords of Bruinen. What do you want to look like?"

Maude's dull eyes brightened. "Oh my god, I'm so excited! So, I want blonde hair…"

And on she went for the next twenty-six minutes and thirty-one seconds, at the end of which Nina sighed and pulled a strange metal rod out from under her desk. It glowed with a faint pink-purple light and almost seemed to whisper: _Perfection… perfection… perfection…_

_Good luck. _

"Done," said Nina, and pointed the rod at Maude.

There was a flash of light, and Maude Ingrid Livingston was no more.

* * *

Dun dun dun... How horribly exciting. The thrills of Sueification just make me shiver with anticipation... 

Well we'll get to torture poor Maude, at least. Review, please, and let me know what you think of this. I'll probably continue but I'm not sure how far I'll go. The more feedback, the more likely I'll take it through to whatever end I brew up for it.

Oh, yes, and the Ingrid argument with the "Nuh-uh's" is tribute to my best friend. You know who you are, miss almost-an-Ingrid...


	2. The Fords of Whatchamacallit

A/N: Well, here I am, carrying on with this. It's kind of fun to write... I like torturing Sueified teenagers, bwahahaha! ...Anyways, R&R and we'll see exactly how far I can take Miss Stupid Snowflower Sue in her quest to marry and do unspeakable things to Legolas Thranduilion.

Disclamer: Arda and all of its poor, Sue-ridden inhabitants belong to JRR Tolkien who was genius enough to create them. All I own is the miserly Maude Ingrid Livingston and her Sue form, plus the organization that created her.

Kiricat

* * *

Chapter Two: In Which Our Protagonist Gets Lost and Glorfindel Is Suspicious 

When the light faded Nina blinked twice rapidly, and then adjusted her glasses to examine her work.

Maude Ingrid Livingston was now a tall, slender young woman who looked to be about sixteen or seventeen. Her skin could be likened to flawless porcelain, and it seemed to glow with love, happiness, and wisdom. Her long, silken wavy hair was a rich sun-ripened gold that fell like a waterfall cascade to her trim little waist. Her eyes were large and a deep blue-violet that turned slightly redish-pink when she was angry, and her lashes were so thick they looked like an advertisement for hair implants. Her lips were full and crimson, and her teeth were strait and sparkled like snow. (A tribut to the OCC&T's newest dental and orthadontic transformation program.)

That wasn't all, either. She had a tragic history full of heartbreak and heroism to go with the princess apparel. And she had an Elf's delicately pointed ears.

Maude had become Princess Snowflower the Very Lovely and Powerful of the far eastern kingdom: Snowflowerland. She was the Elvenking of Snowflowerland's beautiful, disowned daughter.

Welcome to the world, Mary-sue, thought Nina, and printed out the paperwork from her laptop.

"Right-o, hon, just take these and give them to the lady at the Transportation Department desk, and here's your ID." Nina handed Maude/Snowflower a packet of papers and a small, glossed ID card with before and after pictures.

"Thanks!" Snowflower said brightly. "Oh my _god_, I can't wait!"

"Then get to it. If you ever need help along the way, tap your 'Before' picture on the ID card three times fast and three times slow and you can talk to one of our officials, who just might be able to help, but do try your best to do things on your own. Thank you for choosing the OCC&T."

And so Snowflower glided away, her lovely white silk, besparkled gown trailing elegantly behind her. Nina's bored call of "Next!" faded away as the Sue dissapeared from sight.

She found the Transportation Department and approached one of the secretaries eagerly.

"Hi! I'm headed for the Fords of Bruinenen… Bruineni… Brui…. Oh, well you know what I mean!" She babbled.

"I sure do. I've seen it all," The new secretary sighed. Her pink nametag said 'Bridget'. "All right, sign the liability papers and I'll get your baggage."

"Oooh, goody!" Snowflower squealed, signing away without reading the terms of agreement. Bridget rummaged around under her desk and produced a similar wand that Nina had used to transform Maude into Snowflower. She pointed it at the newly-made Sue, and after another flash of light, a lovely sword, just as it had been described to Nina, appeared at Snowflower's waist. An amulet materialized on her neck, and a cloak suddenly wrapped itself around her fragile shoulders. The Sue clapped her hands in glee.

"OH, SOOO COOL! Can I go now?"

Bridget sighed again and rolled her eyes. I need to move to a less involved Department, she thought wearily.

"Yeah, sure. You're all set, missy. Please step up to the platform, stand still, and prepare yourself to be transported."

Almost bursting with excitement, Snowflower bounded up to the strange white platform to the side of Bridget's desk. A beam of light shot down from nowhere and lit her up eerily. She smiled widely and fought the urge to squeal.

"Now don't fidget," Bridget instructed. She reached down and pulled down a lever under her desk that read: "Arda."

The light grew brighter. The air trembled, and then a deep, all-powerful voice boomed out: "You have contacted the Maker of Arda. Where is the Demon to learn her lesson this time?"

Demon? Thought Snowflower. Lesson? But she decided the voice was probably delusional and didn't say anything.

Bridget popped her gum, looking totally unconcerned. "Hey, Eru, what's up? This one's headed for the Fords of Bruinen during the War of the Ring. As usual."

The voice chuckled, making the floor shake, and Snowflower covered her delicate ears. "So be it." Eru rumbled.

Snowflower the Sue disappeared as the last chuckle died.

"Next," said Bridget.

* * *

Snowflower re-materialized in a wooded area with birds tweeting in the trees and the sound of a river roaring faintly in the distance. Anyone less obsessed with finding and marrying a certain Elf prince might have been awed at the unspoiled, wild beauty of the place: at the sunlight filtering gently through the trees, at the ferns, wild grass and vines creating a carpet on the ground, at the sound of a hawk crying out overhead, at the smell of pine in the air - but Snoflower was focused only on her goal: get to Rivendell and seduce the Prince of Mirkwood. 

Right, thought the Mary-sue, so what time is it? When does Aragorn come looking for the plant majiger? And where am I?

Oh, right. The Fords of Whatchamacallit.

…Where is that?

Snowflower set off in the direction she thought Rivendell was in. It couldn't be that hard to find it, right? She had Elvish senses now, so she could magically _feel _the place's presence, right?

Maybe not.

She wandered hopelessly for hours. The sun began to set, and Snowflower wanted to cry. It wasn't supposed to be this hard! Aragorn was supposed to find her right away, be stunned by her beauty, and then ask her to heal Frodo! Then they'd sashay on to Rivendell after she defeated the Ringwraiths, and then Legolas would see her and fall in love with her and they could make out all night!

Instead, she was dirty, tired and hopelessly lost.

However, a Sue is nothing if not stupidly persistent, so Snowflower wandered on, and eventually happened upon a road. Delighted at the sight of something even vaguely familiar, she ran to it, and promptly almost got run over by a huge white horse.

"Ai! Daro, Asfaloth, daro!" A deep voice commanded, sounding slightly panicked.

Snowflower flung her arms over her head and fell to the ground with a shriek of "Stop the car, stop the car!"

The sound of hooves reverberated in the ground. They came closer, and then they stopped. She heard someone sliding off the horse, and the next thing she knew someone was kneeling beside her and speaking to her rapidly in an unintelligible language.

Gaaah! Thought Snowflower. Gaaah, I forgot to ask to know how to speak Elvish! Dammit!

She looked up and tried to appear beautiful and tragic. Instead she looked like some drooling fangirl, because the man next to her turned out to be the most _gorgeous _creature she had ever laid eyes on. He had shining golden hair, and eyes the color of lakes at dusk set in the most handsome face the Sue had ever dreamed of.

I love you, thought Snowflower, and some of her drool dripped down unto her dress.

* * *

Glorfindel of Rivendell eyed the maiden in front of him apprehensively. He had thought she might have been a lost elleth from Gildor's wandering people, but instead she appeared to be slightly insane. Her eyes were locked on his face and were wide as a deranged bat's, not to mention she was drooling. 

Ugh…

She didn't appear to understand Elvish either, which was odd. How could an Elf maid not know Elvish? He switched from Sindarin to Quenya, in hopes she would understand that, and received nothing but the same blank stare. Suspicious now, the Balrog-slayer stood up and drew his sword.

What if she were possessed by one of Sauron's spies?

What if she was not possessed but actually _was _one of Sauron's spies? He pointed the sword at her throat and spoke in Westron.

"Madam, you are treading on dangerous ground. Why have you not answered me when I have spoken in what should be your native tongue, and why are you behaving in such an animalistic manner?"

The maiden seemed to shake out of her trance. She stopped drooling, at least.

"Oh, dear sir, I apologize most _profusely _for my _despicable _behavior! To think I frightened such a wonderful lord as you!" She exclaimed dramatically,climbing to her feet.

Glorfindel noted that her gown was of a strange fashion: not similar to Rivendell's ladies, or Lothlorien's, or any other Elleth's he could think of. It seemed to…. To sparkle? If Glorfindel had known what they were, he would have identified the sparkles on the gown as rather gaudy sequins. As it were, he merely found them distasteful and suspicious.

"Stay where you are, madam! Why do you wander so close to Imladris, a haven of your people, and yet appear lost? Why do you not know Sindarin or Quenya? Explain yourself. These are not times for foolish apologies."

Snowflower, confused and irritated at the Elf's behavior (he wasn't asking her to marry him!) babbled senselessly about how sorry she was, but she had been banished from her Father's kingdom of Snowflowerland when she was but a child, so she had been raised by humans who beat her and they had not taught her Elvish. Also, they never taught her where Rivendell was. (Snowflower, surprisingly, had figured out that Imladris meant Rivendell. She did have a brain, however incompetent it usually was.) Then she asked who "this fair lord may be?"

The 'fair lord' did not look pleased with her story. His eyes seemed to pierce through her and find all her faults in one penetrating glance. Snowflower shifted uneasily under the Elf's hypnotic stare. She smiled weakly and said, "I may look different from some of your people, but different is good! And it's because I'm part Faerie, by the way. Faeries are sacred, you know, so you should show me more respect!"

She knew she was in trouble when his eyes narrowed and he got the rope out from one of his saddlebags.

Ten minutes later found Asfaloth galloping along again, only this time there was an elleth sitting sulkily behind his master with her hands and feet tied expertly with elven rope.

* * *

Remember to review! Constructive critisism and opinions are very, very welcome. Put down some ideas, if you'd like. What torture should poor Snowflower encounter next? If it's good I'll save it and put it in somewhere, maybe not the very next chapter, but somewhere. 

Kiricat


	3. Enter Nazgul, Enter Legolas

A/N: Hi, all. Here's chapter three of Snowflower's misadventures in Arda. Let's see how the she fares on the road with nazgul on her tail and then in Rivendell, where, we all know, Prince Legolas is. R&R please.

Disclamer: Tolkien's poor characters and poor world are all his, and they are enduring this torture as best they can while probably being infinately thankful that I do not have license to get money for this.

* * *

Chapter Three: In Which Snowflower Unwillingly Flashes Her Bum and Legolas is Attacked 

We've been riding for, like, _ever_! Thought Snowflower grumpily. And now my butt hurts.

She wiggled slightly, testing her bonds. They held fast. That Elf knew what he was doing…

He sure is one hot guy, she thought wistfully. To bad he doesn't seem to like me very much. Oh, I know! It'll be one of those really tragic, interesting hate-at-first-sight romances. We'll hate each other at first, but then he'll slowly fall in love with me, but I won't forgive him, and I'll marry Leggy-poo and then he'll die of heartbreak.

Ha.

Snowflower managed to ignore the fact that, with the way things were going, she was lucky if she survived until Rivendell, let alone long enough for two sensible Elves to fall madly in love with her. She focused only on her groom-to-be.

He's going to think I'm so pretty, she told herself happily. So pretty, so pretty, so charming. She grinned widely, and began to sing, in her new Sueified voice. (The Kelly Clarkson model)

"_I feel pretty, _

"_Oh, so pretty, _

"_I feel pretty and witty and bright! _

"_And I pity _

"_Any girl who isn't me tonight. _

"_I feel charming, _

"_Oh, so charming _

"_It's alarming how charming I feel!"_

"Hush!" The Elf snapped, shooting her a hateful glance over his shoulder. "Do you wish to alert every foul being in a seven mile radius of our presence? Quiet yourself, madam!"

"But, but-" Snowflower stammered. Why hadn't he been entranced with her?

"I asked you to be silent," The Elf-lord hissed, and spurred Asfaloth on faster. Snowflower was jostled most uncomfortably, and her poor little tushy was bruised even further.

Stupid hottie, she thought irritably. Stupid hottie, with his stupid shining golden hair, and his stupid sculpted face, and his stupid blue-green eyes, and his stupid fit body, and stupid Elf ears…

Snowflower began to drool again.

They rode on, Glorfindel growing surer of the fact that the hobbits were nearby, and Snowflower contenting herself with imagining him without a shirt.

The collar of her gown was now very much drool-covered, needless to say.

They rode on through the rapidly falling evening, and Asfaloth was urged ever to go faster. Snowflower guessed they were anxious to get to Frodo.

Maybe the hobbits will appreciate me, she thought to herself sulkily.

Then she started and tumbled with a shriek from the horse, for Glorfindel had suddenly halted and dismounted, and ran out to meet a black-clad man who was running towards them, a look of utter relief on his face.

"_Ai na vedui Dunadan! Mae govannen!" _Glorfindel called, and embraced the man quickly. He then began speaking very rapidly and urgently to him, his fair brow furrowed.

"Argh…." Snowflower moaned, struggling to sit up. It was rather hard, seeing as her hands were bound behind her back and her feet were tied so tightly they couldn't move. To make matters worse, Asfaloth snorted and stepped backwards. Snowflower gasped and rolled out of his way, but his hoof caught on her gown and…

_Riiiiip!_ A huge chunk of besequined silk tore of the dress, showing a scandalous amount of the Sue's bruised backside.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You f----ing horse! God _dammit_, you ---hole, you f---ing a---hole! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!" Snowflower howled, thrashing about on the road in an attempt to cover up her exposed behind.

A stunned silence fell. And then a flurry of mystified murmurs broke out.

"Oh, dear! Poor Mr. Frodo has been startled, look at him! Strider, Strider, help me, he's falling!"

"Who _is _that… that… interesting creature, Glorfindel, pray tell?"

"By the Old Took, Merry, look! Her dress is falling off, and her bum is showing! Ha!"

"It's rude to point Pip, but I must say, that is one of the most bizarre things I've seen in my life!" A series of half-frightened giggles followed this statement.

"Why is she tied? Is she from Rivendell?"

"Is she evil?"

"What are those weird shiny discs on her clothing?"

"STOP IT! Mr. Frodo needs help! Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo, sir, just a little longer, I promise. Help is here – don't look at the strange lady, look at Mr. Glorfindel, sir."

Snowflower felt like crying from anger and embarrassment. Strange lady, indeed! She glared furiously at Sam, but he was to busy fussing over Frodo, who now looked as if he were about to pass out, and was cradled in Glorfindel's arms.

The man, who had to be Aragorn, muttered something to Merry and Pippin, and they trotted over to her.

"Hiya, miss. Strider said we should make sure you don't injure yourself or do anything strange, so how about you use my cloak to cover up your bum?" One of them asked cheerfully, holding his cloak out with one hand.

"Thanks, pipsqueak," Snowflower snapped, and snatched the cloak from him. She struggled for a bit, but finally managed to tie it around her waist. It didn't quite cover all of her thighs, but it covered her 'bum', at least.

Glorfindel had finished speaking with Aragorn, and he stood up, still carrying Frodo carefully, before placing him gently in Asfaloth's belled saddle. Once Frodo was safe and comfortable, the Elf turned to Snowflower, and his gentle gaze turned cold. She sniffled pathetically.

"You, madam, will walk with us. You will be silent, and you will not delay us, or we will be forced to leave you behind."

"Okay," Snowflower whimpered.

* * *

They had walked into the night. Glorfindel seemed tireless. He strode on with just as much energy as he had had two hours before. He led them through the dark towards Rivendell at a pace that was killing Snowflower. She felt like her feet were about to fall off, and then she'd have to walk on her hands or something. 

I hate this, she whined to herself. When do I meet Leggy-poo?

Snowflower had reason to be unhappy. Her feet had been untied, but her hands had not been, and now Merry had her on a leash. When she slowed down, he tugged on it, making her stumble. Aragorn had apologized, rather insincerely, she thought, but said that these days they could never be too careful.

But I'm a gorgeous half-faerie princess from Snowflowerland, the Sue had wanted to howl. You're supposed to love me!

On a more positive note, she had gotten a chance to observe the hobbits and the very 'hot and manly' Aragorn. She was very pleased with what she saw, especially with Aragorn. Too bad he was in love with that Arwen chic.

And then…

It all happened so fast Snowflower didn't know quite what to think (except that Merry's cloak fell down in the confusion and her butt was once again exposed). A wind suddenly came out of nowhere, and Glorfindel leapt forward, crying "Fly, fly! The enemy is upon us! _Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!_"

"Gaaaaaaah!" Hollered Snowflower, as Asfaloth sprang forward and galloped away. The hobbits took off down the rise after him, and since the rope that bound her hands was held by Merry, Snowflower was forced to chase after them. Behind her, she heard the deadly ring of two swords being drawn, and she knew that Aragorn and Glorfindel were facing whatever was behind them.

A horrible, ear-splitting shriek the likes of which Snowflower had never heard before pierced the night air. Out of the trees burst the Nazgul, chilling screams issuing from the darkness where their faces should have been. An icy, heart-stopping cold fell over the Sue, and just before she fainted she recalled Nina's words:

"This is the _real _Arda you're entering."

* * *

"I think she's coming around." 

"Who is she, exactly, did Lord Glorfindel say?"

"He didn't know."

"Oh. Well, I don't like the looks of her, at any rate. She's odd... and to answer your question, Master Erestor, no, she is not of my people. I have never seen the likes of her before, and I know certainly that she was not with our company on the journey here."

"Ah, well, I didn't think so. Thank you anyways, Legolas."

Legolas! The name resounded like a gong in Snowflower's hazed mind, and it was enough to make her bolt upright, her eyes suddenly wide open. Her head whipped around, searching the vicinity. And then... Blip, blip, blip! Her Legolas radar went off. Slightly off to the right, two Elves were standing, staring at her in shock.

One of them was slightly shorter than the other, with long silky dark hair and very dark blue eyes set in a pale face. He was dressed in fine crimson robes that looked like they might be velvet, and a scroll was tucked under his arm.

And there... there was Legolas. Snowflower's jaw dropped in sheer delight. He was taller than the other Elf, and still dressed in his green and brown traveling clothes. His eyes were a clear grey-blue, and his hair was white-gold, but he did not look like Snowflower had imagined (like Orlando Bloom, that is) His face was nobler, and his eyes where keener, and he looked altogether more princely and well, Elvish.

In her excitement, the Sue lost any remaining sense she might have had. "I LOVE YOU, LEGGY-POO!" She yelled, and launched herself at him. The Elf cried out in surprise and jumped backwards, but Snowflower was to quick for him. She flung her arms about his neck, the force of her impact knocking him against the wall, and proceeded to squeeze the breath out him before crazily kissing every inch of his face she could reach.

The poor Prince sputtered in horror. Snowflower was trying to kiss his mouth, but the Elf had turned his face away as far as it could go.

"Erestor! Ai, get her OFF me!"

* * *

Well, review and tell me what you think. I'm going Elf hunting.

Kiricat


	4. It Was Tragic

Hi, all! Sorry this took so long. I've been working mainly on chapter three of "To Act an Innocent" and nearly forgot about poor Snowflower and her victims. Oops. Anyhoo...

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Four: In Which Snowflower Is Interrogated and There Is Much Tragicfullness.**

"Lady…. Er… _Snowflower_. Why did you attack the Prince of Mirkwood?" Lord Elrond asked sternly, glaring down at the young woman in the chair. Behind him, Legolas fidgeted uncomfortably.

Snowflower sighed dramatically.

After she had been pried off Legolas by Erestor and subdued with drugged darts, she had been informed of Lord Elrond's decision to question her later that day. The Elf lord had found her behavior suspicious and altogether unladylike and distasteful. Snowflower thought that the whole ordeal was unjust and poopie, but she did have enough sense to put together a story and an argument, should she need it.

But that's not implying that her story was a good one, or anything…

"Because he is my soul mate. I knew it the moment I saw him… I felt a stirring in my heart of hearts, my soul of souls. It was as if I was finally whole…" The Sue said in a soft, melodramatic voice. Her eyes were 'filled with emotion'. (AKA watering messily and slightly red from her attempts to weep in a heart-breaking way.)

Lord Elrond's frown deepened. "So you felt that he was your true love, and consequently attacked him." He said, his voice laden with sarcasm. Snowflower sighed.

"No, good sir! Thou art misunderstanding my humble confession… You see, I did not attack my dear love. I embraced him…. But I was so eager to hold him that I may have come across as _too_ eager… for that I apologize, O Mighty Lord of Eemlaydris."

"It's _Imladris_." Glorfindel growled. Erestor sniffed disapprovingly.

"Sooorrrry…." Snowflower muttered.

"Too eager, indeed." Legolas said irratably, eyeing the Sue with apprehension. "You attacked me, woman! You knocked me against the wall and squeezed the breath from my lungs!"

"I said I apologize. And I did not attack you - I _embraced _you." Said Snowflower primly, smoothing out her dress. (The hole at her butt had been repaired, though it still looked rather strange.)

Legolas opened his mouth angrily, but Erestor cut him off in his quiet, learned voice.

"If you were his soul mate he would feel it too." The dark-haired Elf said, fixing Snowflower with an appraising stare.

"Well, he does, doesn't he…?" Snowflower asked.

"Do you feel as if this lady is your soul mate, Legolas?" Elrond asked, turning to the prince. Legolas' face was one of utter revulsion.

"By Eru, Lord Elrond, what do you think? You know about my Miriel."

Elrond nodded, smiling slightly. "Yes, yes." He turned to Snowflower again, and his gaze turned stern. "That is a no, Lady Snowflower. The Prince of Mirkwood has felt nothing for you, and I'll have you know that he is betrothed to a lovely, sweet maiden back in Mirkwood."

Snowflower's jaw dropped. "WHAT THE F---!" She screeched, looking furious.

Erestor looked scandalized. Glorfindel eyed her curiously. Legolas glared at her, and Elrond appeared not to notice her behavior.

"OH MY GOD, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT, MR. ANDERSON!" The Sue cried, pounding her fists into her thighs and kicking her feet desperately.

Lord Elrond arched an eyebrow. "I know not of any 'Mr. Anderson,' my dear girl. And I believe I _did _say what I said. Now, how about you tell us your history now, and we can clear some things up."

Snowflower inhaled and exhaled heavily through her nose like an angry bull. And then, creepily, she was beautiful and sickeningly sweet again, as if someone had flipped her switch from 'dangerous and insane' to 'Barbie clone'.

"Of _course_, my good dear sir of Imladris. Where would you like your humblest of servants to start?"

"You are most certainly not anything of mine, much less my servant. I believe the beginning is a very good place to start." Lord Elrond said coolly, taking a seat.

Snowflower smiled a sad smile. "It is a woeful tale, my lords. It starts with my birth and will end with my death."

Glorfindel rolled his eyes, very uncharacteristically. "I had guessed that much."

Snowflower heaved a deep, dramatic breath. "_Well_….

"My mother was the last daughter of the King of Fairies and her mother was part mermaid, so I'm a mix between, Elf, mermaid, and Fairy. My mother was gorgeous, and one day she was walking down in Snowflowerland, the place of my birth, and the King saw her. He went up to talk to her, and slowly they fell in love. My mother never told the King that she was part fairy and part mermaid, though, 'cause she thought he'd hate her for it. Turns out she was right…" Here Snowlower wiped away a fake tear. "I was born a month after my parent's marriage. (Mermaids and Fairies procreate more quickly than you people.) And my mother was so happy that she couldn't deceive my father any longer. When I was two - and I was nicknamed 'little lovely' because I was a natural beauty - my mother told my father what she was. He was furious.

"My father had a predju… predjudycie…. pretzudicel…. Well, he didn't like mermaids _or _Fairies. He got so mad he went crazy. It was tragic. He threw my mother in the dungeons to die and disowned me to some evil humans.

"I grew up thinking I was one of the humans. They beat me because I always had pointy ears, I could have wings when I wanted, and I could breathe underwater. They made me do chores. They were very cruel. My only hope was the memories I had of my beloved Snowflowerland. I had been drugged, you see, so I couldn't really remember everything, just little bits and pieces. It was enough to keep me going.

"Then finally I rebelled. It was tragically tragic. I got hurt in the process. But in the end I escaped and some Elves found me. (This was just recently, by the way.) They were awed by my beauty and told me of my true heritage. Then I remembered everything, but I knew I couldn't go back until I had proved myself worthy of my poor father's love. I knew I could make him see reason, and that I could save my mother, and we could all finally be happy. It would be hard and tragic, but my goodness would make it work.

"But as I said, I needed to prove myself wonderful first. So I came to Rivendale-"

"Riven_dell_," said Erestor testily.

"Yeah, yeah, Rivendell. Okay, so I came here but I got a little lost because I had never been taught Elvish or where Elvish cities were. I was raised by naughty humans, remember? Then Glorfy-"

"My name is Glorfindel, I'd thank you to know," The Balrog-slayer hissed.

"So _Glorfindel _found me and he mistook me for evil and you know the rest. So now I have to go with the Fellowship of the Ring and marry my true love - which _is _Legolas, he just doesn't know it because this Meeryal character must have him bewitched - and then I can go back and be the wonderful salvation of Snowflower land, have twelve children - " Here Legolas looked repulsed - "and live happily ever after."

There was a long silence. Snowflower began to feel a little uneasy. Were those incredulous stares good things, or bad things?

Legolas mumbled something along the lines of, "Miriel, not Meeryal, and I am not going to father _twelve _children with the disowned princess of Snowy-land, by Eru…"

Elrond cleared his throat. "Yes, well, that certainly clears a few things up… To a certain extent, that is…" He looked at Snowflower as if she were absolutely mad and then got down to business. "Snowflower, will you allow me to ask you a few questions concerning your background?" The Elf-lord asked, his voice once again brisk and his gaze suddenly piercing and stern.

"Okay! Yeah, my history is sort of complicated, so it's totally natural that you have questions about all the tragicfulness and stuff. Ask away!" Chirped Snowflower cluelessly. Elrond began to pace again, his hands behind his back and his grey eyes fixed on the Sue.

"What is a 'Fairy'? Some humans - not many, but some - have referred to we Elves as 'fairies'. This does not fit your story. I assume you have a different definition of them?"

Snowflower blinked. Duh. Didn't the dude know what fairies were? "Uh, yeah. I'm part fairy - that means I'm part Elf-like being with see-through butterfly wings, you know?" She received several blank stares. "Uh, like Elves only with transparent wings and they live on mountain tops in the clouds. And, uh, some of them are, like, little, you know? Like pixies? Only my mother was the big kind. That's like your size. We're very much hated in Snowflowerland. It is tragic."

Elrond raised his eyebrows as Erestor smirked incredulously and Glorfindel grinned, as if it were all a horrendous joke. Legolas just looked sick.

"I see," said Elrond. He was beginning to think that Snowflower was mentally ill, but not a spy of Sauron. No one this foolish could be a spy. "And as for your… ahem… 'mermaid' heritage? What is that, pray tell?"

Wow these people were isolated. Snowflower carefully assumed what she _thought _was the appearance of a patient wise-one explaining simple things to lesser folk.

Instead her attempt to make her eyes wide and all-knowing bestowed her with an unflattering bullfrog-like look.

"Well, naïve ones. Mermaids are beautiful, mystical, and tragic-"

"Enough with the 'tragic', if you please, madam. I have heard that word enough in the past fifteen minutes," Legolas interrupted.

"Of course, my darling love," Snowflower cooed. Legolas recoiled. "Anyways, mermaids are gorgeous beings that have the torso and head of Elf-like creatures (they are even more mysterious looking than Elves, though, and totally handsome and stuff) and the tails of beautiful fish. They have really long hair with pearls in it and stuff and the women either wear sea-shell bras-"

"What is a 'bra'?" asked Erestor.

"The thing that holds up womens' boobs, duh!" Snowflower exclaimed, without thinking.

Glorfindel's eyes widened in shock, Erestor looked horrified and embarrassed, and Elrond coughed nervously while staring intently at the rug. Legolas' ears had turned very pink.

Elrond recovered first. "Go on."

"Er… okay, that was weird. Haven't you people heard the word boobs before? Weird. Okay so they either wear seashell bras or none at all, because it is a sign of confidence and loveliness to show off yourself." She smiled seductively at Legolas. He picked up on the implication and the pink in his ears spread to his face.

There was an awkward silence.

"Excuse me," The Prince of Mirkwood muttered, and fled from the room.

* * *

TBC... 

Hope you liked. You can review and let me know for sure... hint hint.

Kiricat


	5. Return of the Laptop

**A/N: **Wow. Long time no see, meh? Sorry about that. Writers block and traveling across the country to a cousin's Bar Mitzvah combined to create a huge delay. But I have the next chapter on the way already, so maybe I'll get that up tomorrow and be somewhat on the way to making up for - what, a month maybe? - of no posts.

Namaarie,

Kiricat

**Disclamer:** I own nothing, nothing at all, except for our lovely little organization and its affiliates. Oh yes, and the Sue. frowns

* * *

**Chapter Five: In Which Help is Contacted And Snowflower Skins Her Elbow**

**by Kiricat **

Snowflower was utterly bewildered. Her interrogation, apparently, had not gone well at all. For what other reason would Elrond confine her to her rooms with two guards at her door, with the parting words of, "Until I contact Galadriel about this, you will have to be contained in your chambers for your own safety and for that of my people's and my guests'. Do not attempt to break out, for I will be forced to take more drastic measures. I'm sure you do not realize it, lady, but you seem to be undoubtedly strange in the head."?

Strange in the head? _You're _strange in the head, sir Elrond poopie-head, the Sue thought sulkily, pacing about the room. It was a very nice room, actually, but Snowflower was blind to that and utterly determined to be tragic and miserable. Besides, Legolas wasn't in it, so what use was the bed? Legolas wasn't allowed to see her, so what use was the exquisite wardrobe with dozens of lovely gowns? Legolas couldn't smell her bewitching perfume, so what use was the bathroom? (Apparently she had forgotten the natural need of all living things to relieve themselves, and the need of most sensible things to clean themselves.) Legolas couldn't be bewitched by her loveliness in the sunset, so what use was the balcony? ( And one more guard was stationed in the garden beneath it, so it couldn't be used as an escape route.)

It seemed that the Sue had reached a dead end. And she hadn't even spent two days here!

That stupid organization must've screwed up, like, big time, thought Snowflower. There is SO something wrong here, like, duh.

And then it happened. If Snowflower had been living a cartoon, not a Mary-sue's nightmare, she would've had a lightbulb appear over her head and start flashing. Instead, she just stood up straighter and bolted to her bed. She threw the pillows to the floor and pulled her ID/before and after card out from where she had hidden it.

_"If you ever need help along the way, tap your 'Before' picture on the ID card three times fast and three times slow and you can talk to one of our officials, who just might be able to help, but do try your best to do things on your own."_ That is what Nina had said. And golly, thought Snowflower, I sure as hell need help right now, and trying my best didn't work at all.

She tapped the before picture three times fast and three times slow and waited anxiously. Then it occurred to her that she couldn't be seen contacting help! Those sadistic servents of Elrond might spy on her, and who knows what they'd do then. Besides, acting like a secret agent was, like, totally cool. So she turned around and flung herself under the bed.

The Elves had polished the floor to a shiny, hard, burnished perfection. Snowflower skid slightly, started sliding out the other side of the bed, scrambled like a madwoman to regain cover, and skinned her elbow.

"YeeOWWW! F---ing Elves! Dammit! DAMMIT! My poor elbow welbow..."

"Umm... you have contacted the OCC&T... can I, er... can I... help you?"

Snowflower took a deap breath and got ahold of herself. (To such an extent as was possible for a Sue with a skinned elbow.)

"Sorry 'bout that. Fell over - ouch, God dammit. Not again." She had hit her head on the underside of the bed. "Oops... well, yeah."

To Snowflower's surprise and pleasure, the face in the space where her Before picture had been was Nina's.

"Whoa! It's you! What's up?"

Nina's small face rolled its eyes. "I was assigned to be your advisor. We match OC's that look a little amateur and/or just plain stupid with a mentor of sorts. I'm yours. I figured you'd call for me."

Snowflower got the vague feeling that she was being insulted. But before she could work it out, Nina's picture miraculously began to expand until it filled the entire card. Then the card began to shake like an overworked computer, and the next thing Snowflower knew, Nina was crouched across from her in the darkness beneath the bed, clutching her laptop and a black leather purse.

"Duuuuude!" Snowflower said.

"What are you doing under a bed?"

Snowflower started to respond, but Nina held up a perfectly manicured hand.

"Nevermind. I don't think I want to know. Man, you are new at this. Let's get out in the open." She crawled out of view, awkwardly pushing her purse before her and clutching at the laptop in one hand. Snowflower sat for a moment, puzzled, and then followed.

"But they'll see us! We'll be caught! We have to be... what's the word? Oh, yeah, _subtle_."

"Don't worry, hon, I'm not a total idiot. The OCC&T provides for everything." Nina said in a bored voice. She pulled the rod from the Transformation desk out of her purse and brandished it at the door. An unpleasant grating noise filled the air. Snowflower shrieked and stopped her ears. The sound faded.

"What WAS that?" Snowflower demanded. "It, like, sucked."

"Time grinding to a halt. Basic procedure. Now we won't have people bursting in on us."

"Oh my God, you know?"

"Know what?" Nina asked, looking irritated. She was sooo not getting paid enough for this.

"This is, like, so Sci-fi, like, duh."

Nina sighed. "Yes, okay. Sci-fi indeed. Are you ready now? I'm going start teaching you how to survive this. You have to listen to me, and not get distracted. You have to _focus_, okay? I told you before, we don't change Lord of the Rings, we change you. And you're going to have to change a lot."

Snowflower hesitated. "...Change?"

"Yes."

"Like, how? Not into a man, right?"

Nina blinked. "Er... no. I didn't mean for you to physically change. Well, maybe a little, but not into a male. I meant that I am going to teach you about Lord of the Rings: Middle-earthian cultures and histories, how to be a nearly undetectable Mary Sue, and how to succeed. You up for that?"

Snowflower's brow creased as she struggled to decide. "What do I get?"

"Self-confidence. Beauty. Succes and grace," said Nina grandly.

"That's all?" The Sue demanded.

"What, like that's not enough for you?"

"No. Not really."

Comprehension dawned on the OCC&T agent. "Ah... okay. I'll garauntee another prize. Legolas."

A slow, brilliant, unmistakably Sueish smile spread across Snowflower's face. "It's a deal."

"Right," said Nina, and opened her laptop.

* * *

Throughout Rivendell, time started again, and no one noticed the change between one moment, utter stillness, and the next. In Elrond's study, Glorfindel, Erestor, and their lord were sitting in silence and pondering the meaning of strange Miss Snowflower. 

"Really, I can't think where she might've come from," Elrond was murmuring, staring thoughtfully out the window. "She's far too dimwitted to be a spy, and I can sense no true evil on her. But what good can a half-mad woman claiming to be an mixed-breed Elf princess bring? Ai, we have quite enough on our hands without these complications."

"Do not trouble yourself about it too much," Erestor soothed. "Galadriel will contact us soon, and no doubt she will help to clear things up. In the meantime, Glorfindel and I will handle any trouble that girl might bring. You and Mithrandir will be free to arrange for the One."

Elrond sighed wearily. "Yes, thank you, Erestor. Please tell Mithrandir that when you next see him. He was quite irked by all this; said she spoke of dark sorcery. At this very moment, in fact, I believe he is in the library, reading up on whatever he might suspect. I could use him now. We need to speak to Aragorn."

"Foolish wench," Glorfindel growled. "Ruining our plans in a time like this! D'you know what she was like when I found her? Half-naked, walking in circles in the middle of the road! I say, she must be-"

But Glorfindel never finished his sentence, because at that moment Nina's laptop finished a lengthy loading process and presented her with a window which said:

**Do you wish to proceed with memory alteration? If you click OK, memories of this incident will be permanently erased. To exit the program, click CANCEL. **

And she clicked okay.

Glorfindel blinked. "I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought. What was I saying?"

Elrond frowned. "I can't remember. I'm sorry, Glorfindel, I must've been distracted."

The golden-haired Elf waved it away. "No matter. I doubt it was anything important."

"If you're sure, then. And if there's nothing else to say, d'you mind finding Mithrandir and Aragorn for me and telling them to come here at once? I need to speak with them. Erestor, you may go."

Both Elves, one golden, one dark, nodded their heads and swept from the room. Neither of them, nor their lord, could recall anything at all about the vapid, blonde, self-proclaimed Princess in a chamber off a secluded hall.

* * *

"Alrighty then, miss Maude - I'm going to call you Maude again because we're starting all over - let's get going." 

"Yup!" Snowflower-who-we-now-shall-call-Maude crowed, feeling not at all peturbed by the loss of her title. "Legolas, here I come, baby!

**TBC...**

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* * *

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**A/N: **So that's that. The next chapter should come soon, if it's short. Maybe another few days if I decide to lenghten it. But never fear! My writer's block so far seems to have retreated. Reviews are, as always, greedily hoarded and definately more than welcome.

Until next time then,

Kiricat

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